That fateful day when I choose to dress like a girl

My first blog post dealt briefly with my younger years now I share the day my mom asks me if I really want to dress like a girl.

This was a time in my life when rather than my mother merely guiding me towards diapers and feminine attire I was now keenly interested in all things feminine and babyish. On top of feeling safe and secure while dressed up I also began to feel the stirrings of sexual desire.

As my father became more successful he travelled more and I remember that while when I was younger he would usually come home on Friday nights and leave again on Monday mornings now he was gone for weeks on end and when he did come home on weekends my parents were busy entertaining guests or spending time at the country club.

His constant absence didn’t seem to bother my mother who continued her active social life even when he was away and many of her days were spent at the company’s main office here in Vancouver.

While I loved my dad he was a typical European dad who was distant and did not show much affection towards me. By the time I was 10 or 11 most of my life was with him being absent so I really did not have a strong need for a father figure in my life. While at this age I still did gravitate towards girlish toys I was beginning to participate in sports like soccer, swimming and baseball to be honest I was not very good at the sports especially soccer which required some physical attributes. I remember being teased and being called a sissy by some of the boys because I often would end up crying during a game if I was knocked over or hit hard by the ball or another player.

After one particular bad teasing from some boys on the team I nervously suggested to my mom that perhaps sports like baseball and soccer were not the best for me. I was already taking piano lessons and  my mother asked what sports  I had in mind I rather sheepishly suggested ballet and square dancing because they needed boys and I didn’t enjoy contact sports.

 

I remember my mother being very happy about my choice and within a week I was attending my first square dance class. I could not have been happier because all the kids were very nice and the boys were like me; they were insecure around the girls and for a lack of a better words they were geeks just like me. From the very first class what had me in heaven were the big puffy crinolines the girls wore under their dresses. I was so happy when my mom picked me up I told her all about the nice girls and boys and then she asked out of the blue,

“Did you like the girl’s pretty dresses?”

I nodded and just kept going on telling her about what we did and learned as we drove home. A few days later my mom called me into her bedroom because she wanted to talk to me about something. She sat beside me and held my hand,

“Sweetie not all boys are like the other boys in school or in our neighborhood just like not all girls are the same. Many girls do not like doing the normal girlish things like playing with dolls, wearing dresses, baking, they like to play rough like boys, dress like boys, etc. Our society accepts that and because it is perfectly acceptable and we call them “tomboys”. “

“The same sort of feelings and interests happens with boys and even grown men. Society expects all boys and men to be tough and manly by playing sports, acting tough, being interested in cars and tools, the list goes on and on. However not all boys or men have those interests which is quite alright. In fact many men love to do and enjoy the types of things that women traditionally do like cooking, cleaning, caring for children, designing and sewing clothing, etc again society is okay with that. It goes even farther because some boys and men feel more comfortable and love dressing like girls and women because they enjoy the feeling of the soft clothing and it makes them feel happier and more in touch with their real feelings.

“Do you understand what I am saying?”

I nodded my head but didn’t say anything.

“Unfortunately our society does not feel as comfortable with boys and men dressing and acting like girls or women, there is no equivalent word for “tomboy” other than “sissy” which is not quite as nice.”

“Sweetie would you like to dress like a little girl while you are at home? Mommy does not mind at all, you would still dress like a boy at school and when we go out. Would you like that?”

I recall looking down in embarrassment but at the same time having mixed feelings relief. As I grew a little older I started to feel like I was different from the other boys my age for being such a wimp and also enjoying when I was dressed up and being diapered. If what my mom said was true I was not weird. I looked up at my mom as tears started to flow uncontrollably and I started to cry,

        “Yes mommy I want to be like a girl.”

My mom hugged me and reassured me for a long time, I remember for the first time feeling a sense of relief. I  then blurted out between my sobs,

        “Can I still wear diapers and baby pants too?”

 

 

There was a long pause before she answered,

“If you are still having accidents at night and it will make you feel better then yes you will need to be in night diapers.”

“I just want you to be happy and know that your father and I love you very much. I will call your father tonight to tell him about our discussion and how you’re switching from sports to ballet and square dancing.”

 

 

The thought of my father knowing and what his reaction made me burst into tears again because he was always pressuring me to be tougher and more assertive. A few hours later I could hear my mom talking on the telephone with my father and explaining everything. I dreaded to think of what he was saying and thinking.