Looking back....My Relationship with my Mother

Being a normal teenager is a trying time but in my case it was far more complicated because I was being raised like a girl under the watchful eye of a very strict mother with high moral values.  She was a devote catholic but in my ways she had belief's more in keeping with some Christian Fundamental beliefs. She was very active in a Catholic Women's Group and often hosted meetings at our home.  I often heard her lecture at this meetings about the importance of discipline in the home and she was in the minority.

Eventually when I was about 13 or 14 years old one day she sat me down and told me that we would be switching churches and attending a church that was more in line with her beliefs and that she thought I would be more at home there among other kids my age who had a similar upbringing.

I found out later that one of the reasons she left the Catholic church was that the church was not open to her ideas of traditional family values that she was pushing on members as well as they had issues with her and raising me as a girl.

By this time my parent's marriage was falling apart for many reasons including my dressing as a girl but more so because of her beliefs and his desire to become more successful. The last week my father was in the house was very tense with lots of arguing between my parents and then one day I came home from school and my mother informed me that my dad was gone for good.  At the time I was very upset that he left without saying good-bye to me, however I had never felt close to my dad for obvious reasons. Those first few months were difficult however if anything his deciding to leave for good made me feel closer to my mother rather than resenting her for breaking up our family which never really was much of a family.

This new church was near Abbotsford, BC. which was considered our version of the Bible Belt. The church went by the name of “Mission Traditional Christian Family Church” or “MTCFC” which no longer exists. I will share more details about our time at the “MTCFC” in an upcoming post.

I have been asked if I fought or resented the way I was raised or treated by my mother growing up and I actually did not I did have more difficulties in my twenties when I met the woman I married and my mother was not supportive of my decision.

In my teens I had no friends my own other than some of the girls in the dance groups I belonged to and through the new church, it turned out that my mother learned about this church from some of the mothers of girls in the “Clogging Dance Group” who were always very supportive of having me as part of the group even though I was a boy in an entirely girl group. I also felt much more comfortable being around girls and especially younger ones and it had nothing to do with sexual attraction.

This being the mid 1970’s when long hair was in fashion for boys plus I was very slight at that age I actually did have features that made me look quite girlish. As I entered puberty my love of frilly dresses, satin panties, pantyhose and tights and diapers grew more and more.

My mother’s opinion on masturbation remained the same and was the reason for most of my discipline as a teenager. She went so far as to purchase a baby monitor and hid it under the skirting of my bed. It was many months of her barging in while I was masturbating in bed at night even though I thought I was being very quiet before I discovered her surveillance method. Once found she just placed it in plain sight on the night table because if I shut it off her receiver notified her.

As I got older the sexual connection to feminine attire and diapers grew and while I tried to hide it from my mother I am certain she was aware because there were many times she saw that my penis was erect inside my panties, or when she changes my diaper, the worst was when I would spontaneously become aroused while wearing a leotard at dance class. Later in my teens she had a very frank talk with me about “The Birds and the Bees” that was more involved than just reproductive sex.

My mother put a huge emphasis on my education and was always pushing the school to allow me to work at a higher level. While smart I my social skills were limited, being small and having longer than normal didn’t help so I was often teased and bullied. It came to a head early in high school when one day in the cafeteria some older boys snuck behind me and pulled my pants down in the process I fell over and they pulled them off me completely. I was wearing pink panties that day so you can only imagine the humiliation I felt.

My mother was very supportive and understanding she removed me from public school and gave me the choice of going to private school or to be home schooled. She sat me down and told me that she was very sorry about what had happened. I was never required to wear panties to school but I did so by my own choice. She told me that if I wanted I could choose to give up my feminine clothing and ways. Even after this incident I did not want to. Yes, there was a sexual component that it was enjoyable but what it really was was that I felt at home and comfortable in feminine clothing and activities. This seemed to make my mom very happy and she really spoiled me for quite a while.

She was very strict her expectations were very high in everything from my school marks, chores I did around the house, how I acted towards her and especially how I responded. Even the slightest slip up or sign of disrespect and I would either be lectured, spanked and her other old-fashioned punishment was having my mouth washed out with soap. Her strictness and the severity of her spankings were balanced by her tenderness especially after I had been punished. She would often hold me close, cuddle me and stroke my hair while consoling me.

Once day I will always remember was after I had been spanked and she was cuddling me she slipped the nipple of a baby bottle between my lips which surprised me I immediately pushed it out of my mouth with my tongue but she encouraged me to suckle because it would feel better. I remember the taste of warm milk with honey filling my mouth and it really did feel very soothing.

Through my teenage years I had wonderful times with my mom as she taught me how to do all the things mothers traditionally taught daughters. I learned how to do laundry, ironing, properly fold clothing, change bedding, she even taught me how to sew and I actually became quite good at it. Household chores were always left for me to do and the one domestic duty I adored was cooking. I would watch all the various cooking shows on TV and the favorite books I checked out of the library were cookbooks. Mom and I even attended cooking classes together at a local gourmet shop which I loved. One of my favorite ways to spend a weekend afternoon was to cook and serve a fancy dinner for my mom. She would always want it to be very formal with candlelight and we would both dress up.

As I grew older she would teasingly say,  “You will make a very good wife one day.”

The new church became a very important part of our lives, at the start of the next school year it was decided that I would a traditional Christian school near Abbotsford and it would be supplemented with home schooling from some church elders and teachers associated with this religious group. Home schooling was very common within this church and parents were encouraged to accelerate their children’s studies.

At this time mom moved us to the town Mission and our social lives revolved around the church. My mom was very forthcoming and everyone in the congregation was made aware that I was actually male but by my own choosing wanted to be raised as a girl. The church elders had no issues and I was expected to attend lessons and services designed for the girls as well as for the boys. A few parents were initially apprehensive and I recall a few evenings parents would come to our home along with church elders for an open discussion about my circumstances. Initially these mortified me but mom as so reassuring, and she’d ask me to bake cookies and serve coffee or tea for our guests. I enjoyed this part but a t first I was terrified of having to dress in a very fancy dress. Mom favored (and so did I) dresses that were white or pale pink with lots of lace and ruffles along with white tights and black Mary-Jane shoes. I will never forget how proud I felt when a few of the ladies said they wished their daughters were so willing to dress and act like prim and proper young ladies. 

 

This was a style of dress I wore often complete with tights, ruffled socks and black patent leather shoes.

I ended up finishing high school 2 years early and immediately entering university before my 16^th birthday. My mother was very supportive yet on the other hand she was extremely protective of me during my first year at university. I loved school the mental aspect of school but socially I was even more out of touch than during high school. Being socially inexperienced in high school was traumatic enough but now going to university and having very limited social skills drove me deeper into my cocoon of being a sissy where I felt safe and secure.

There definitely was some growing interest in girls at this point but now I was a boy among young women and this made me even more insecure. My mother drove me to school each morning and would pick me up each evening which I loved, the only times I felt secure was with my head buried in my books or in the company of my mother.

At the same time I really found comfort in being diapered each evening and during the weekends. I didn’t have the traditional university escapes available to me like socializing, partying and drinking for me the escape was regressing into that comfort zone.

When I was 18 entering my third year at University I was really beginning to experience sexual awakening and confusion. While I felt a sexual attraction to women I was confused because that attraction was very much a fetish type feeling towards the clothing they and for that matter what I wore and I had had an attraction to mature, full figured women not the young, skinny girls that I saw at school. The flipside to those feelings was that I had a stronger yearning to be in the company of older men and my fantasies almost always involved me being dressed very femininely and being the nonassertive participant wither with older women and more and more with older men.

Growing up my father was not around for the dreaded “talk” about sex and now at age 18 my naivety and confusion were difficult to understand during this pre-internet time and books in the libraries on the topic were very dry and clinical in nature. At this exact time of my awakening and confusion my mom had begun to date one of the pastors in the church who recently lost his wife to cancer. When my parents were still together there was never any outward signs of intimacy to each other and I never hard them in their bedroom. Now all of a sudden there was this man coming to our home and I was constantly seeing him hold my mom’s hand or they cuddled on the sofa.

While not my mother this was exactly what I saw. The woman is of very similar body type as my mother at the time.

 

Unbelievably I was so naïve at age 18 that I had no idea what was the first time I was awakened in my room to the sound of my mother’s bed, which shared a common wall with my room in our small house, banging against the wall, the bedsprings squeaking loudly and the sound of my mother moaning. I actually got out of bed went to my mother’s bedroom door opened it and stood there in shock at the sight of my naked mother on all fours and Pastor Eric thrusting his penis into my mother over and over. 

I will never forget that sight and me standing there in a nightgown and night diapers underneath and immediately getting an erection. What happened after Pastor Eric noticed me standing there was much worse. Both he and  my mom screamed out in shock and I dashed to my room. A little while later my mom came to my room and sat with me to explain the “facts of life” and to my embarrassment what they were doing and how couples show their affection by “making love”.

My mother was very open with me about sex and she told me that since I was 18 I should know more than the basics than “where babies come from”. She not only talked to me about how men should show their affection towards women but also how to please a man. I remember being totally shocked when she told me about how men love to have women take their penis’ in their mouths.

Mom continued to see Pastor Eric for quite some time and they had sex often, I would lay in my bed listening to them and I started to make a habit of peeking through their partially opened bedroom door watching them I bed. It was then that I was becoming very aware that I was fantasizing men’s cocks  and about being the “woman” not the aggressor male.

One of the most embarrassing conversations I ever had was when I finished University and one day my mom asked me if I had ever been with a girl. She obviously knew the answer because I rarely went out. I remember being mortified when she asked me if I thought about them and I did not answer. She looked at me and asked me point blank if I fantasized about being a girl and being intimate with men. I got beet red, nodded by head and started to cry. She was very reassuring and told me that often young men and women don’t know what their preferences were and they explored bisexuality.

Shortly starting my career I ended up having my first relationship with an older man that lasted almost 2 years and I was his sissy. This is a large chapter of my life of and was completely supportive. During this period it was the first time I was away from my mother for the first time but now I was under the guidance of quite a strict older man. Interesting that in many ways was a male version of my mother.

After he retired and moved South I started to have my first encounters with women which for the most part did not go well. My mother was not very welcoming to girls in my life and she was often cool towards them. It was then that I started to develop some resentment towards her and her meddling into my personal life.

Eventually I met the woman I married and even to this day my mother was cool towards her but she would never say why.  By my late 20’s I had severed most of my relationship with my mother especially when she moved to Vancouver Island. I did seek counselling to help deal with my feelings towards her and it took many different counsellors to help me come to grips with my relationship and upbringing. I always suspected by mother had some mental health issues stemming from the loss of an infant daughter before I was born had I became a replacement for that daughter. I loved being a sissy girl growing up and I still do, for me it’s an escape from reality and the pressures of life.

My mother and I had limited contact for 20+ years and only in the last 5 or so as she developed dementia did we reconnect mostly out of my feeling of duty to assist her during this disease. Only in the past couple years when I was In the process of selling her home and all it’s contents did I have regular contact with her again.